Pokerwitze
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Pokerwitze
von TheFolder » Donnerstag 8. September 2005, 21:35
3 Poker Dont's
Don't ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker.
Don't use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker.
Don't butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind if I join in".
Don't ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker.
Don't use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker.
Don't butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind if I join in".
von TheFolder » Donnerstag 8. September 2005, 22:01
A naked surprise
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
von Cashmandt » Dienstag 13. September 2005, 15:27
Ich kenne auch nen guten Pokerwitz:
ODO !!!!
gleich fall ich vom stuhl...... 
ODO !!!!
gleich fall ich vom stuhl......
If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
- Gohar
- ITP Stammgast
- Beiträge: 259
- Registriert: Freitag 16. September 2005, 14:48
- Wohnort: Bochum
ein guter Pokerspieler...
von Gohar » Dienstag 11. Oktober 2005, 08:50
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, indeed he
did. She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
should come to her house around 2 pm Friday afternoon.
Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 pm sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why, yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a
beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In
terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500!"
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me and promised he'd stop by our house this
afternoon to pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a real poker player.
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, indeed he
did. She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
should come to her house around 2 pm Friday afternoon.
Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 pm sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why, yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a
beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In
terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500!"
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me and promised he'd stop by our house this
afternoon to pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a real poker player.
- Gohar
- ITP Stammgast
- Beiträge: 259
- Registriert: Freitag 16. September 2005, 14:48
- Wohnort: Bochum
Gefällt euch der besser ?
von Gohar » Mittwoch 26. Oktober 2005, 15:31
(from www.parttimepoker.com):
Last year the World Series of Poker had around 2500 players. Five reasons why you should be player 2501 :
1) Really, 2500 players is no different from 250 $5 sit and go tournaments at Party, and you money in those, like, all the time.
2) You have a pair of novelty sunglasses that would freak out even Greg Raymer.
3) You have bought every single poker book sold by amazon.com. On top of that, you have serious plans to read some of them. Eventually.
4) They say the WSOP is a collection of local champions, and you fucking dominate your weekly home game. Of course, there was that time your 8 year old sister checkraised you with a set, and that other time she bluffed you with 9 high, and a few times where you just quit in anger after she cracked the aces you didn't raise preflop with, and that game where you thought you had a flush but your novelty sunglasses caused you to misread your hole cards and last week where you just didn't get any cards, damnit - but other than that, you dominate.
5) The buttoned-down working world just doesn't get individuals like you. This is your ticket out of their square-ass world full of rules and responsibilities [and health insurance and retirement plans and regular pay, but man, don't forget those oppressive rules].
Last year the World Series of Poker had around 2500 players. Five reasons why you should be player 2501 :
1) Really, 2500 players is no different from 250 $5 sit and go tournaments at Party, and you money in those, like, all the time.
2) You have a pair of novelty sunglasses that would freak out even Greg Raymer.
3) You have bought every single poker book sold by amazon.com. On top of that, you have serious plans to read some of them. Eventually.
4) They say the WSOP is a collection of local champions, and you fucking dominate your weekly home game. Of course, there was that time your 8 year old sister checkraised you with a set, and that other time she bluffed you with 9 high, and a few times where you just quit in anger after she cracked the aces you didn't raise preflop with, and that game where you thought you had a flush but your novelty sunglasses caused you to misread your hole cards and last week where you just didn't get any cards, damnit - but other than that, you dominate.
5) The buttoned-down working world just doesn't get individuals like you. This is your ticket out of their square-ass world full of rules and responsibilities [and health insurance and retirement plans and regular pay, but man, don't forget those oppressive rules].
Counting
von TheFolder » Dienstag 8. November 2005, 10:15
Counting Little Bobby was asked by his first grade teacher..."Bobby, do you know how
to count?".
Bobby replied "Of course I do, my dad taught me".
The teacher doubted Bobby, and decided to put him to the test. "OK,
Bobby...what comes after three?" The teacher asked
"Four!" Bobby immediately exclaimed.
"Very Good" said the teacher, "OK, what comes after six?"
"Seven!" Bobby shot back immediately
"Bobby, your father is an excellent teacher. He must be so proud of you"
"Yes, he is" Bobby replied
"OK, One last test", said the teacher "What comes after ten?"
Without missing a beat, Bobby replied "Jack"
to count?".
Bobby replied "Of course I do, my dad taught me".
The teacher doubted Bobby, and decided to put him to the test. "OK,
Bobby...what comes after three?" The teacher asked
"Four!" Bobby immediately exclaimed.
"Very Good" said the teacher, "OK, what comes after six?"
"Seven!" Bobby shot back immediately
"Bobby, your father is an excellent teacher. He must be so proud of you"
"Yes, he is" Bobby replied
"OK, One last test", said the teacher "What comes after ten?"
Without missing a beat, Bobby replied "Jack"
- NoLimitGirl
- ITP Admin
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- Beiträge: 627
- Registriert: Donnerstag 8. September 2005, 00:07
Liebe Frau, pack deine Sachen!
von TheFolder » Mittwoch 16. November 2005, 20:39
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
von TheFolder » Freitag 17. März 2006, 08:48
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute (ein Taubstummer). On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
Der ist auch nicht übel....
von TheFolder » Freitag 17. März 2006, 09:17
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
von Cashmandt » Montag 7. August 2006, 16:25
Eines Tages starb ein Mann und fand sich in der Hölle wieder.
Wie er in Verzweiflung duch die Hölle wanderte traf er zum ersten mal den Teufel!
Teufel: Warum bist Du so verzweifelt?
Mann: Was glaubst du denn? Ich bin doch in der Hölle.
Teufel: Die Hölle ist doch gar nicht schlimm, wir haben hier jede Menge Spaß. Bist Du ein Trinker?
Mann: Klar doch ich liebe das Trinken.
Teufel: Na also, Du wirst die Montage lieben. Wir Saufen den ganzen Tag. Schnaps, Bier, Whiskey, Tequila, einfach alles. Wir Trinken bis wir Kotzen und dann Trinken wir weiter!
Mann: Das klingt ja super!
Teufel: Bist Du ein Raucher ?
Mann: Klar doch.
Teufel: Du wirst die Dienstage lieben. Wir Rauchen den ganzen Tag. Die besten Zigaretten - Zigarren aus der ganzen Welt. Bekommst Du Krebs...wen juckt das schon. Du bist ja schon Tot!
Mann: Das ist ja einfach Toll.
Teufel: Ich Wette Du bist ein Spieler !!??
Mann: Natürlich bin ich einer!
Teufel: Am Mittwoch kannst Du alles was dein Herz begehrt spielen. Poker, Roulette, Blackjack, alles was Du willst. Bist du Pleite? Wen juckt das schon, Du bist ja eh längst Tot. Wie sieht es mit Drogen aus ?
Mann: Machst du Witze? Ich liebe Drogen. Meinst du...?
Teufel: Ja natürlich. Am Donnerstag ist Drogentag. Du kannst alle Drogen zu dir nehmen die du willst...Du bist doch Tot, wen juckt's...
Mann: Ich hätte nie gedacht das die Hölle so ein cooler Platz ist.
Teufel: Bist Du Schwul ???
Mann: Nein !!!
Teufel: Ohhhh...Du wirst die Freitage hassen....
Wie er in Verzweiflung duch die Hölle wanderte traf er zum ersten mal den Teufel!
Teufel: Warum bist Du so verzweifelt?
Mann: Was glaubst du denn? Ich bin doch in der Hölle.
Teufel: Die Hölle ist doch gar nicht schlimm, wir haben hier jede Menge Spaß. Bist Du ein Trinker?
Mann: Klar doch ich liebe das Trinken.
Teufel: Na also, Du wirst die Montage lieben. Wir Saufen den ganzen Tag. Schnaps, Bier, Whiskey, Tequila, einfach alles. Wir Trinken bis wir Kotzen und dann Trinken wir weiter!
Mann: Das klingt ja super!
Teufel: Bist Du ein Raucher ?
Mann: Klar doch.
Teufel: Du wirst die Dienstage lieben. Wir Rauchen den ganzen Tag. Die besten Zigaretten - Zigarren aus der ganzen Welt. Bekommst Du Krebs...wen juckt das schon. Du bist ja schon Tot!
Mann: Das ist ja einfach Toll.
Teufel: Ich Wette Du bist ein Spieler !!??
Mann: Natürlich bin ich einer!
Teufel: Am Mittwoch kannst Du alles was dein Herz begehrt spielen. Poker, Roulette, Blackjack, alles was Du willst. Bist du Pleite? Wen juckt das schon, Du bist ja eh längst Tot. Wie sieht es mit Drogen aus ?
Mann: Machst du Witze? Ich liebe Drogen. Meinst du...?
Teufel: Ja natürlich. Am Donnerstag ist Drogentag. Du kannst alle Drogen zu dir nehmen die du willst...Du bist doch Tot, wen juckt's...
Mann: Ich hätte nie gedacht das die Hölle so ein cooler Platz ist.
Teufel: Bist Du Schwul ???
Mann: Nein !!!
Teufel: Ohhhh...Du wirst die Freitage hassen....
If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
von Cashmandt » Montag 7. August 2006, 16:30
Sitzen mehrere Leute ohne Arme am Tisch und wollen Karten spielen.
Was ist das?
Mischen impossible.
Was ist das?
Mischen impossible.
If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
von Cashmandt » Sonntag 17. September 2006, 15:17
Pizza and Poker Player
What's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?
A large cheese pizza can feed a family of 4, a poker player can't.
Prayer For The Winning
What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it!
What's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?
A large cheese pizza can feed a family of 4, a poker player can't.
Prayer For The Winning
What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it!
If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
von Cashmandt » Sonntag 2. Dezember 2007, 02:10
Zwei Männer kommen aus dem Spielcasino. Der eine nackt, der andere in Unterhose. Sagt der Nackte: Ich bewundere dich, du weißt immer, wann du aufhören musst!
If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
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